The hangover

Well here I sit, the moning, well noon ish time after a long night of emotional drinking. Rach said she did not see me with less than 2 drinks in my hands most of the night. I am here with a big mug of fresh steaming coffee and whats left of the pack of smokes from last night. I had a feeling it would not be easy on me to see you, but I did it to support and help my brother. I am not sure what I was looking from with you, or expecting. I did not want you to see the hurt in my heart last night, and you only got to see a little part of it becuase trust me when I say there is so much more than what you saw. Never in my life have I cared the way I still do for you, and that drives me effin nuts that you can get to me like that. I never wanted to let anyone get to me like that. I just turned on the song that Andrew sang for you last night. I did not think that song would bother me like it did, but I guess putting you with in feet of me while he performed it did more to me than i had wanted it to. Its an impossible situation. You are friends with my family, and that is a bond that I do not want to take away from any of you. This pain is not something i am use to. I am very good at disattaching myself from any given situation. For some reason my heart wont let me with you. Looking into your eyes last night tore a hole into my heart so effin deep and wide I am not sure it will ever close. I mean when I say that I just want you happy, and I mean that from the depths of my soul. You may not see it, but you deserve it fully. Your an amazing person and I was soooo lucky to have you in my arms for that little time. I just hope you find what ever it is your looking for out there. I hope that the things come across in life teach you how to be a better person. I hope that the people that ocme into your life love you for who you are, this amazing woman. I just want you to smile, smile like no one is looking. I want you to giggle. I want your eyes to sparkle with happiness. I want you to be happy in what ever you choose for yourself in your life. You dont see what you deserve in life, and I wish you could. I will forever hold in my heart thankful ness that you came into my life. After the pain fades away, and the tears stop flowing I will be able to hold my head up and smile again knowing I was able to love you for that point in time. You told me last night that you needed someone to show you what you were doing, but no matter what anyone says to you hunny, only you can do what you need. No one can force you to see what you need in life, only your heart will tell you. I am ok, untill i see those amazing eyes of yours. One look from you sent pain and happiness right through every inch of my body. I miss the way they light up when you look at me. I miss the feeling of warmth in your hands. I miss the feeling of your head on my chest layin there while I hold you. One day I hope that I can find those feelings again becuase they were some of the greatest things I have ever known. I hope you find all the happiness that one lifetime can give to a person. I will always miss you Amanda, you will always own a piece of my heart. Thank you for all that you showed me. Thank you for making me a stronger person. Now if I can just make the tears stop flowing out of me, and find something else to make me remember you. I hope that soon I can stop being sad and find all that happiness that you gave me again, and in time I will. I miss you.......