The hangover

Well here I sit, the moning, well noon ish time after a long night of emotional drinking. Rach said she did not see me with less than 2 drinks in my hands most of the night. I am here with a big mug of fresh steaming coffee and whats left of the pack of smokes from last night. I had a feeling it would not be easy on me to see you, but I did it to support and help my brother. I am not sure what I was looking from with you, or expecting. I did not want you to see the hurt in my heart last night, and you only got to see a little part of it becuase trust me when I say there is so much more than what you saw. Never in my life have I cared the way I still do for you, and that drives me effin nuts that you can get to me like that. I never wanted to let anyone get to me like that. I just turned on the song that Andrew sang for you last night. I did not think that song would bother me like it did, but I guess putting you with in feet of me while he performed it did more to me than i had wanted it to. Its an impossible situation. You are friends with my family, and that is a bond that I do not want to take away from any of you. This pain is not something i am use to. I am very good at disattaching myself from any given situation. For some reason my heart wont let me with you. Looking into your eyes last night tore a hole into my heart so effin deep and wide I am not sure it will ever close. I mean when I say that I just want you happy, and I mean that from the depths of my soul. You may not see it, but you deserve it fully. Your an amazing person and I was soooo lucky to have you in my arms for that little time. I just hope you find what ever it is your looking for out there. I hope that the things come across in life teach you how to be a better person. I hope that the people that ocme into your life love you for who you are, this amazing woman. I just want you to smile, smile like no one is looking. I want you to giggle. I want your eyes to sparkle with happiness. I want you to be happy in what ever you choose for yourself in your life. You dont see what you deserve in life, and I wish you could. I will forever hold in my heart thankful ness that you came into my life. After the pain fades away, and the tears stop flowing I will be able to hold my head up and smile again knowing I was able to love you for that point in time. You told me last night that you needed someone to show you what you were doing, but no matter what anyone says to you hunny, only you can do what you need. No one can force you to see what you need in life, only your heart will tell you. I am ok, untill i see those amazing eyes of yours. One look from you sent pain and happiness right through every inch of my body. I miss the way they light up when you look at me. I miss the feeling of warmth in your hands. I miss the feeling of your head on my chest layin there while I hold you. One day I hope that I can find those feelings again becuase they were some of the greatest things I have ever known. I hope you find all the happiness that one lifetime can give to a person. I will always miss you Amanda, you will always own a piece of my heart. Thank you for all that you showed me. Thank you for making me a stronger person. Now if I can just make the tears stop flowing out of me, and find something else to make me remember you. I hope that soon I can stop being sad and find all that happiness that you gave me again, and in time I will. I miss you.......

wow how life changes fast

So just a few days ago I sat here writing about what is good in my life, and with in a few short hours that can change, oh how that can change. Yesterday Twist and I were sitting there having one of our "normal" days, snuggling, giggling and talking. We went out shopping and got some things for Kat for Christmas from Uncle AJ and Aunt Kelly. We talked about things we wanted from life, like what kind of dogs we wanted lol, and dreamed about walking them together holding hands walking down the street. Then one text message came through his phone, the EX. Its amazing how he went from being my strong Twist, into this puddle on the floor. That's when the ball dropped. He says he cares, but is not over here. I don't think that is possible to care for two people at once. I mean he said its not a "cop out" but wtf else does it look like. It looks like "hey chick your cool, and we have fun but I want to be able to do what ever i want, and that includes the ex that shattered my heart". I mean that's cool too, but it just hurt alot. How can you look at one person balling their eyes out and say yea your worth fighting for, yea your amazing, yea you make me happier beyond belief but I need time to figure out what I want? I respect him and his decisions. he really has brought alot to my life that I am thankful for, he gave me the strength to come out to my family and friends that did not know, but its still hard to take that I let someone into some of my most intimate thoughts and then they just turn around and walk away for no reason other than some bull shit line about their ex... what ever i get it. I am angry and hurt and sad, but my feelings do not matter at this point and time. If this is what he wants, to walk away from me, then i am ok with that too. It is all about what decisions you want to make in your life, and if you feel that is best then go for it mama. I am not going to stand in front of someone and their happiness even if it means I have to suffer. I hope that things are not like this, and that he does come back, but who knows any more. I have always been replaceable, so why would things be different for Twist? It was nice to know that even for a minute that someone accepted the real me for me, and did not think twice about things. One day that will come to me, but for now its the least of my concern. For now I will just lick my wounds and Cary on with my life. I have things in my life that make me smile in different ways. It was just amazing to know that I made one person feel that way. Makes me feel great about myself. One day I hope I can make someone feel as great as I was able to feel in those moments in time.

A whole new world

So since I cannot sleep I will sit here and write something on here so I at least have 1 post LOL. well alot has changed as of lately. I have a new roomie, and hes amzing. Andrew is the best guy in the world. He is kind and respectful to me and to Patti and Kat. Its amazing how one night can change your life for the good. That night seems to have brought alot of good things into our lives. That was the night i met twist too. At first I thought it was just going to be cute as heck to look at him and drool all over the table at the bar, but little did I know, he would also change my life around. Here is the background on that one, I have always liked girls, and acutally prefered them. Well since Twist came into my life, I have decided to come out of my cold and lonely closet. Its a a funny statement, but he really has brought out of me things that I kept hidden for some time. It helps that hes just flipping georgous. I never would have thought I would have a chance in hell with someone like him, but I guess what comes my way in life is not fully up to me. We now have this little famil building in our house. Andrew lives here with me, muffin and gary the cats. Patti and Kat have yet to leave yet (YEAAAAAA) and AJ has his own drawer for his thigs LOL like duct tape and soap ( im a weirdo i know). its been a whirlwind few days in my world to say the least. Mr. Yummy has brought out a side in me I thought I never would see. its amazing how one person can make you smile so hard your face hurts. And the giggles, oh my all the giggles we have together is so damn cute it makes you wanna puke lol. The tickles, and the giggles, and the smiles, and the awe's are all alot to handle. Its something forign to have someone just make you happy by simply sitting there next to you. And the feeling of having his arms around you,and your around him, its enough to make you cry. Its this overwhelming feeling of happiness and serenity. Its amazing what these boi's have brought into my life between Andrew and Twist. It has perminatly changed me for the good, and I am not sure they would ever know how eternally greatful for them will be for the rest of my days. People come into your life for a reason, and i believe that about all of my friends. These boi's and Patti and Kat have brought a new kind of happiness to my house and my life that I never thought I deserved. Thank you for all that you all do. I love each of you in different but yet amazing ways. I now have the sweetest Niece, The best skeester and brudder and the sexiest twist in my life... God really shows you his powers at the most off the wall times. well I am done bablin and heading to my empty, cold and lonely bed for one more night with out my Twist in it... untill tomorrow world!